Beyond “I’m Sorry”: Teaching Kids (and Ourselves) the Power of Repair

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

The other day, one of my grandkids grabbed a toy from his little cousin and he burst into tears. My instinct was to swoop in with: “He was playing with that first! Give it back and say you’re sorry!” Because let’s be honest—when someone gets hurt or wronged, all we want is for things to go back to calm and at the same time we want to raise a kind child, so we have to teach them to say "I'm sorry", right?

But here’s the problem: a forced “sorry” doesn’t really solve anything! Sure, the words are spoken, but has anyone actually learned, connected, or on the other side of things, felt better? Usually not.

That’s where repair comes in. Repair is bigger than an apology—it’s about seeing the hurt, taking responsibility, and choosing to make things right to the best of our ability. And the best part? It works for both us and our kids.

When we need to repair

Let’s start with us. Because whether it’s snapping in the carpool line, sighing too loudly when our kid drags their feet, or raising our voice over a chore battle—we all have moments we wish we could take back.

Repair might sound like:

• “I’m sorry I yelled. That probably felt scary. I was angry and that's my emotion to deal with, not yours. We all get angry sometimes, and I'll work to calm down before I explode next time.”

• “I didn’t listen well when you were talking. I want to try again. Would that be ok? I really want to hear what you have to say.”

• “I said something unkind. That wasn’t fair to you. Next time I’ll pause first.”

When we circle back and name what happened, own our part, and reconnect, we teach our kids that mistakes don’t break relationships—they can actually strengthen them. That’s a huge shift—especially for those of us who grew up in families where “I’m sorry” was the most you could hope for, and more often, the hurt was just quickly brushed aside and likely ignored.

Helping kids repair without forcing “sorry”

Now, what about when it’s our child who did the hurting? Here’s where we often get stuck. We want them to take responsibility, but a forced apology doesn’t build empathy or the important relational skills we hope for them to one day possess. Instead, we can walk them through repair with a few simple steps.

To make it easier to remember, I use what I call the 5 R’s of Repair—a guide we can use for both ourselves and our kids:

1. Reflect → Pause and calm down first. Give space before jumping in. Kids (and adults!) need a regulated body and brain to make an actual repair. (Also why forced apologies usually aren't effective. We often rush to make it happen while everyone is still upset.)

2. Recognize → Name what happened without a moral judgement about character. Keep it factual and short “You grabbed the toy. She got hurt.” "You went into her room without permission. She got angry."

3. Relate → Notice how others feel. Wonder about feelings (both the one who hurt and the one who was hurt). “What do you think she felt when that happened?”

“How did you feel right before you grabbed it?” "Let's check on how he's feeling." Helping kids tune into the way they were feeling when they made a hurtful choice can help them make a better choice the next time they are feeling the same way. Tuning in to how other's may be feeling can help build true empathy, care and concern for others.

4. Repair → Offer kindness in words or actions. For littles it can help to offer choices for repair “What’s one way you can make this better—share, check on her, or get another toy?” For older kids/teens you can guide them to ask the other person "What can I do to help you feel better?" "What do you need to make this feel better?"Repair can be actions, not just words.

5. Reconnect → Make sure the bond feels safe again. Asking for a "fresh start" or for forgiveness can be a part of the reconnection after the repair is offered. This may take some time and is in the hands of the person that was hurt. Even after a repair is made, they may not yet feel fully reconnected. Circle back as needed.

Why it matters

When kids practice repair, they learn:

• Empathy: noticing how their actions affect others.

• Accountability: owning mistakes without shame.

• Resilience: knowing relationships can recover and even grow stronger after hard moments.

And when we practice repair alongside them, we’re showing that these steps aren’t just “kid skills”—they’re human skills.

Because in the end, repair is what keeps relationships safe—not perfection.

Hey Parents,

I know from firsthand experience how hard it can be to shift those automatic responses and try something new. You don’t have to figure it out alone. If you’re wanting support—whether with repair or any other area of parenting—I’d love to walk alongside you and help you take thoughtful, intentional steps that lead to lasting results.

Schedule your [free 15-minute consultation] today.

– Melanie