Empathy Isn’t the Same as Surrender

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

“Stop crying.”“Shape up or ship out.”“Get over it. It’s not that bad. You’re fine.”“That’s enough!”

Sound familiar?

It does to me.

I grew up in the “suck it up, buttercup—we’re not raising any sissies” era, where the message was clear: big feelings were inconvenient, unnecessary, and best stuffed way down. And if that didn’t work, we could always eat our way through them.

We’ve Come a Long Way

Thankfully, we know more now.

In recent years, there’s been a big shift in how we think about emotions—especially in parenting. We talk about the brain, the nervous system, stress, regulation, connection. We listen more. We try to stay present. We validate instead of shame.

It’s good. It’s needed. And it’s real progress.

Most of us weren’t even raised to talk about feelings, let alone honor them. So the fact that we’re doing this work now? That matters.

But Sometimes the Pendulum Swings Too Far

In trying so hard to do it differently, we can lose our balance.

We start treating every big feeling like a stop sign. If a child is uncomfortable, we change the plan. If they’re anxious, we cancel the activity. If they’re melting down, we question everything.

With all the messaging out there about validating emotions (which is important), it’s easy to assume that being a supportive parent means doing whatever it takes to make the bad feelings stop. That if your child is feeling something big, your job is to fix it.

But that’s not the whole picture.

Sometimes, going out of your way to make your child feel better in the moment—by pulling them out, adjusting the plan, or avoiding the discomfort—actually makes them feel less safe in the long run.

Because now their feelings are running the show.

A Real-Life Example

Let’s say you’re at a birthday party.Your child walks over, clearly overwhelmed.

“It’s too loud. I don’t like the games. I want to go home.”

And just like that, you’re in the moment we all dread.

You start second-guessing. Is this too much for them? Will I damage trust if I make them stay?Am I giving in if we leave?

It’s easy to say something like, “Okay, if you’re overwhelmed, we’ll just go.” But there’s another way. A better way!

This is where steadiness matters more than any perfect answer.

You can respond with kindness, empathy and steady guidance:

• “Yeah, it feels like a lot right now. You can take a break if you need one.”

• “You don’t have to play the games. Want to sit with me for a bit?”

• “We’re not leaving just yet, but I’ll stay close.”

You’re not brushing off their feelings. You’re also not handing over the keys. That’s the difference. Leading with empathy doesn’t mean surrendering your role. Validation doesn’t mean changing the plan every time emotions show up. It means staying grounded while your child rides out the waves. It means letting them feel what they feel, knowing they’re not alone in it.

the lessons we want for them

You’re not there to fix the feeling and take it away for them. What would that teach your child? They would learn that every time something in life feels off or too much or uncomfortable - someone will be there to solve it and take away the discomfort for them! I repeat - you're not there to fix the feeling. You’re there to help them through it. To remind them that big, loud, uncomfortable emotions are part of being human.That they’re normal. Necessary. And that they can survive these feelings too.

Not because you made them disappear—but because you stayed with them until they passed. You helped them through.

That's teaching your child how to be resilient. Giving them the skills of how to deal with disappointment, anger, and the myriad of other human emotions this life brings with it.

What Kids Actually Need

At Gen 1 Parenting, we talk a lot about leading with both connection and balance.

Not ignoring. Not over-accommodating. Just being the adult in the room—with warmth and a steady hand.

Because when your child is falling apart, they don’t actually want to be in charge.They want to know you are.

That’s what helps them feel safe enough to feel the big stuff while learning how to move through it.

You don’t have to get it perfect.You just have to stay in it with them.

Hey Parents,

If you were raised by parents like mine, all this feelings talk can seem like trying to speak a foreign language. It makes sense that you might struggle with knowing how to go about parenting this way. And if you're having some big feelings about it all, I will be your sturdy sounding board and help you navigate a new situation! Reach out to schedule your [free 15 min. consult] so you can learn the language of feelings.

—Melanie