What really happens when we "let them" feel it all

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

As parents, one of our strongest instincts is to protect our kids from pain. When we see them upset, angry, sad, or overwhelmed, our first reaction is often to fix it — to soothe, distract, or put a quick, happy spin on things.

Raise your hand if you were taught that big or uncomfortable feelings were something to get over, move past, or push down. Yeah. Same here.

To be clear — I know my parents were doing the very best they could with what they knew. They loved me deeply and wanted the best for me. They wanted me to grow into a capable, steady adult who wasn’t ruled by emotion. And honestly, it’s painful to watch someone you love hurting. I get it.

I’ve seen so many parents wrestle with that same discomfort when their child is upset. And when one of my own kids is struggling (yes, even as adults!)? Oof. That urge to swoop in and make it better is strong.

But what if the best thing we can do in those moments isn’t to fix anything?

What if our kids don’t need a solution — at least not right away? What if they just need space to feel — fully, safely, without judgment? What happens if we allow all those feelings to be fully felt?

Let Them Cry, Let Them Be Mad, Let Them Be Sad

Feelings are not problems to solve. They are signals. They are the language of the heart, telling us what matters, what’s hurting, what’s confusing, and what needs attention.

When we say things like “Stop crying, you're okay,” “Don’t be so upset,” or “It’s not that bad,” what we’re really telling our kids is: Your feelings aren’t okay. You’re too much. I don't want to hear how you're really feeling. Mask. Hide. Deny. You have to be happy because you're making me uncomfortable. I can't handle you. Your experience doesn't matter.

Instead, we can create a different kind of response — one that says: I see you. Your feelings are safe here. You don’t have to hide or fix them to make me happy.

Allowing Feelings Doesn’t Mean Permissiveness

It’s important to understand that allowing feelings is not the same as allowing any behavior. This has become a common misconception of modern parenting. Yet consider this way of looking at it, “I’m permissive when it comes to feelings and strict when it comes to unwanted behaviors.” The child psychologist Haim Ginott famously said that (in his book from 1965!). This means you can and should hold clear boundaries around behaviors like hitting, yelling, or disrespect — behaviors that are unsafe or harmful to others, undesirable behaviors. But you can do so while still acknowledging and allowing the feelings beneath those behaviors. The feelings that are likely driving those behaviors!

For example, when a child is angry and hits, we don’t ignore the hitting or say it’s okay! Instead, we firmly say, “I won't allow you to hit your brother,” (and if needed, we take action and we hold the hand of the hitting child so it can't happen again, or we remove the child for a break with us) while also recognizing the anger behind it: “I can see you’re really mad right now that he won't share his toy. It's okay to be angry. I won't allow you to hit.”

By allowing feelings to be expressed safely and helping kids name their emotions, we open the door to understanding and addressing what’s really going on beneath the behavior — instead of just punishing surface actions. We allow the space for the feeling first. Then we'll have time to address the behaviors and teach them what we need them to learn for next time this feeling arises. This isn't allowing them to "get away" with the unwanted behavior. It is simply recognizing that this isn't an emergency. We don't have to rush past the feeling and only address the behavior.

Why Is This So Hard for Parents?

Allowing feelings without trying to fix them or make them go away quickly goes against so much of what we’re taught about parenting and life. We want to protect our children from pain. We want to teach them right from wrong. We want to help them “bounce back” quickly. We want to make things better. I think it's also hard because many of us, myself included, weren't allowed to fully express our feelings as kids so it feels like foreign territory.

But the truth is, pushing children to move on too quickly can teach them to bury feelings rather than process them (Can I get an "amen!"). It can make them feel alone in their emotions or unsure about how to handle them. I know I spent a lot of time in my room as a kid when my emotions were deemed "too much" for my parents to handle. I learned to perhaps 'be quiet' but it didn't mean I wasn't still feeling those emotions. And I certainly didn't learn how to work through them! Thank goodness for therapy as an adult! (side thought: Even positive emotions can be deemed as "too much" for some parents and they try to 'fix' them. Too excited? You need to calm down. That's enough. You are so dramatic!) Let's get started on how to go about allowing all feelings to just be.

How to Let Feelings Be

• Validate without fixing: Say things like, “That sounds really hard,” “I can see you’re feeling sad." or “It's okay to feel that way.” This shows you understand without trying to immediately change the emotion.

• Be present: Sometimes just sitting quietly beside your child, or holding their hand or giving a hug, says more than any words. (Caution here: If they are mad at you, they may just want space from you. That's okay too. Just stay quietly near.)

• Avoid clichés: Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “You’ll get over it” might feel dismissive. Instead, stick with honest empathy.

• Offer support, not solutions: Ask, “What do you need right now?” instead of jumping to fix the problem.

• Model your own feelings: When it makes sense, let your kids see how you experience and work through your emotions. This helps normalize feelings and gives them a front-row seat to healthy emotional regulation.

  It might sound something like:"Ugh. I just walked into the kitchen and saw all the dishes still out, and I can feel myself getting really frustrated. My jaw’s tight and I kind of want to yell. My brain is saying things like, ‘No one respects me.’ And I know that’s not really true — it just feels big in the moment. I need a few deep breaths. Now, I'm going to tell my brain the truth. I am respected. The dishes didn’t get done, but that’s something we can figure out together once I’ve calmed down."

  When we name our emotions and model how to move through them — without blaming or exploding — we show our kids that big feelings are okay and manageable and nothing to be afraid of. We also teach them that even grown-ups sometimes need to pause and reset.

What allowing might look like for different ages & stages:

For Little Kids (Toddlers & Preschoolers): Young children often experience emotions in big waves. They might not have the words to explain how they feel, but their body language says it all. Get down to their level, use simple words to name the feeling (“I see you’re really sad”) and offer a comforting touch or quiet presence. Each child and situation is different but the more you practice this, the more you'll figure out what's best. Avoid rushing them to “cheer up” — instead, let the tears or tantrums run their course safely.

For Elementary-Aged Kids: At this age, kids start to understand their feelings better but still need guidance. Help them put names to emotions (“It sounds like you’re frustrated because your friend didn’t want to play. Is that what you're feeling?”). Let them express their feelings with words, art, or movement. Resist the urge to fix the problem right away — many times just being heard is enough.

For Tweens & Teens: Older kids want to feel seen without judgment but also want to maintain some independence. Respect their space but let them know you’re available. Instead of saying “Don’t worry,” try, “I know this feels hard. I’m here if you want to talk or just need a hug.” Encourage them to journal or talk with trusted friends while keeping communication open.

Why This Matters

When children feel truly seen and heard, they learn that feelings aren’t scary or wrong. They begin to trust that they can move through hard emotions without shame — and that they don’t have to hide from themselves, from you, or from the world.

This is what builds emotional resilience. And research backs it up: kids who are allowed to feel and process their emotions with support are more likely to grow into adults who can regulate well — without exploding in anger, numbing out, or turning to unhealthy coping strategies.

Despite what some may think, this isn’t about raising kids who are “too sensitive” or let their emotions run the show. It’s about giving them the tools and support they need now, so they can show up as healthy, whole humans later.

And maybe most importantly? They build a stronger connection with us in the process. Because feeling safe to be fully themselves — even in the messiest moments — is one of the greatest gifts we can give.

Hey Parents,

Letting feelings be felt doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong (even if those come in the middle of the grocery store!) — on the contrary, it means you’re teaching your child that emotions are real, safe, and workable. You’re giving them a foundation of trust, resilience, and a deeper bond with you.

If you want a little help learning how to hold space for emotions (theirs and yours!) and stay grounded in love and limits, I’d love to talk. Click below to schedule a free, no-pressure 15-minute conversation. We’ll explore where your family is now, what you’re longing for, and whether coaching support might help bridge the gap.

-Melanie

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