what to say when your kid is upset without shutting them down

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

I can still picture it: one of my kids melting down in the grocery store aisle while I felt every pair of eyes on me. My first instinct was to snap—“Stop. This isn’t a big deal.”

Why was that my go-to response? Because that’s what I had learned. Growing up, my feelings were often labeled as too much, too big. Over time, I absorbed the message that I was too much.

So if you’ve found yourself blurting out those same automatic responses, you’re not alone. They’re ingrained. But here’s the good news: with a few simple swaps, we can help our kids feel seen instead of silenced.

Because the truth is, to my child—and to me, when I was little—it was a big deal. And our words in those moments can either shut kids down or draw them closer.

That’s the power of what we say when emotions run high. Our tone and words can build trust—or create distance.

I don’t always get it right (none of us do), but over the years I’ve seen how choosing connection over shutdown changes everything. It helps kids calm down, feel safe, and learn how to handle big emotions in healthier ways. Bonus: They also are learning those bigger life lessons we hope for them like self-awareness, confidence, resilience, problem-solving and more!

Here are a few simple shifts that make a real difference:

1. When tears are flowing

Instead of: “Stop crying. You're fine.”

Try: “I can see this really matters to you. I’m here.” or "This seems tough. I'm here."

Crying is often a sign of overwhelm, not weakness. Brushing it off makes kids feel alone. Naming their feelings shows them you’re a safe place to land.

2. When feelings feel “too big”

Instead of: “You’re being too sensitive. or "Stop being so dramatic".

Try: “Your feelings are real. Let’s work through this together.” "I believe you. Something feels off. Let's figure it out."

Sensitivity is not a flaw—it’s part of being human. When we dismiss emotions, kids learn to bury them. When we accept them, kids learn courage and self-awareness.

3. When mistakes happen

Instead of: “That was dumb. Why would you do that?”

Try: “Let’s slow down and figure out what happened and what we can try next time.”

Criticism breeds shame. Curiosity invites problem-solving. And when we walk through mistakes together, kids grow in responsibility without carrying the weight of harsh judgment.

4. When comparison sneaks in

Instead of: “Other kids don’t act like this.”

Try: “Every child is different. Help me understand what’s hard for you right now.”

Comparisons chip away at a child’s sense of worth. Focusing on their unique journey builds confidence and connection.

Remember

We can show our kids that we’re there for them in the hard moments—that they can and will make it through, but they don’t have to do it alone. When our words open doors instead of shutting them down, we give our children the steady presence they need to grow stronger and more resilient.

Hey parents,

If this feels tricky for you, I get it. These shifts are simple but sometimes not so easy! If you are feeling the need for some extra support in making the shifts or just in general, that's understandable. I can help. Click the link to schedule your [free 15 minute consultation] and get the help you deserve today!

-Melanie