When siblings (or friends) fight:why not taking sides matters

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

Let’s be honest: sibling fights can feel like emotional whiplash. One minute everyone’s building Legos in peace; the next, someone’s screaming about a stolen piece or an unkind word, and suddenly you’re in the middle—again.

When your kids clash, it’s easy to slip into referee mode. You want to stop the chaos, defend the one who’s crying, and correct the one who seems clearly at fault. But there’s one parenting shift that can change everything in these moments:

Don’t take sides.

It might sound impossible—especially when someone’s been hit or called a hurtful name—but staying neutral doesn’t mean staying silent. It means showing up for everyone involved, without casting one child as the villain and the other as the victim.

What Staying Neutral Really Looks Like

Let’s clear something up: not taking sides doesn’t mean you ignore misbehavior. It simply means that each child gets your support, guidance, and curiosity.

Yes, even the one who just pushed their sibling.

A Real-Life Example

Let’s say your older child yells, “She’s so annoying!” and your younger one bursts into tears.

You might feel tempted to say, “Don’t talk to her like that! Go to your room.”

But here’s another way to empower your kids to use their voices and work through the conflict:

• To the younger child: “That hurt your feelings, huh? You can tell her, ‘That wasn’t kind, and I don’t like it.’”

• To the older child: “Sounds like you’re frustrated. Want to tell me what’s going on without calling names?”

You’re not excusing anyone’s behavior—but you’re helping both kids name what’s happening inside them and practice handling it better next time.

Why It Matters

When we regularly take sides, kids start to believe those roles: one is the “good one,” the other the “troublemaker.” Believe me - I've definitely been there! Unfortunately, that dynamic we create doesn’t just damage their relationship with each other—it shapes how they see themselves.

But when we stay calm, curious, and connected to both, we model something so much more powerful: how to solve problems with each other, not against each other.

Helping Kids “Fight Well”

Your goal isn’t to prevent every sibling squabble (good luck with that!). It’s to help your kids learn to fight well—to express what they need, set boundaries, and repair when things go sideways.

In the long run, those are the skills that strengthen their bond—and show up in their friendships, marriages, and work relationships later on.

Hey Parents, you don’t have to fix every fight. You just have to show up—calm, connected, and willing to coach them on conflict resolution. That’s how your kids learn to work through conflict without hurting each other—or themselves. If you're feeling the need for more help with sibling conflict or other parenting challenges, schedule your [FREE CONSULT] today to talk about the approach that works best for you and your family and gain more insights and tools.

-Melanie